


You Can Hear It In The Silence

by sparklngsloths



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky loves heels bcs he gets to be taller than Steve again, I love my boys, I want my boys to be happy, Light Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Songfic, Stucky - Freeform, guess the song, im mean kinda sad but like I don't think its a tear jerker, listen I cuck for Bucky barnes loving Rhianna and Taylor swift ok fight me, sorry sis but civil war infinity war who, yo im low-key a bad writing but we out here trying not to be depressed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 06:25:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16424123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparklngsloths/pseuds/sparklngsloths
Summary: 70 years have passed, 24 years were spent with one another. All time had escaped them. All they knew were each other and it never seemed like they would ever have enough time to regain the moments they'd lost.Steve and Bucky were together again, broken pieces were taped back together, and some pieces have disappeared completely. They play back the times.





	You Can Hear It In The Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Gang gang I was writing this while I was hella depressed and I cuck for the song it's based on if you guess it I will cuck for you too. She's not a writer but she's indulging. its called self care beech hope you like hit me with those spicy kudos and comments pls

1936  
Bucky finds comfort in listening to the slow, strained breathing a few feet away from him. It means he's alive and he's here; Bucky would die without Steve Rogers. He loves him more than anything, everyone in the neighborhood knows he’s sweet on Stevie Rogers. 19 years old, and Bucky still has no plan to marry a sweet dame and settle down, he just wants to be there for him, as long as Steve wants him. Bucky's goal is just to find a nice girl for Steve who recognizes how incredible Steve really is. He wants the whole world to see the Steven Rogers the way Bucky sees; he wants Steve to have the best life with a white picket fence, a kind wife, and a bunch of little asthmatic babies. Steve can never know that all Bucky wants to do is stay in this tiny, drafty apartment, watch him draw all day, and just stare at how beautiful he is.  
Steve has never really had trouble with dames, per say, but he has never really gotten far with them. He was always polite, a fun personality, was passionate, funny, and a punk that you can’t help but adore. That’s how Bucky sees him, and it sometimes seems like Steve is purposefully not going after the girls interested in him. Yeah dames aren’t lining up but he is nice to be around and often, girls are trying to hint at going further with dates. Sometimes the girls Bucky will bring for double dates don’t work out of course, but it just seems like Steve isn’t trying and he’s not exactly the most built so the shallower women loose interest quickly. Steve deserves everything he wants and more.  
Bucky turns over from his back to his side; admiring Steve as he sleeps. He notices how beautiful Steve looks with the moonlight adorning his cheekbones. No matter how comforting Steve’s breathing is, the slight wheeze when he breathes in always pains him. Bucky’s eyes follow the motions of Steve inhaling and exhaling, knowing that his weak lungs might give out one day.  
Steve's breathing hitches, signaling that he woke. Steve opened his eyes; steel eyes meet sky blue ones. Bucky pushes aside all of what he was thinking about to just focus on Steve. They exchange a small smile and Steve’s long eyelashes once again kiss the tops of cheeks. Both fall asleep peacefully, with grins on their faces.

2016  
70 years have passed, 24 years were spent with one another. All time had escaped them. All they knew were each other and it never seemed like they would ever have enough time to regain the moments they'd lost.  
Steve and Bucky were together again, broken pieces were taped back together, and some pieces have disappeared completely. They play back the times. Remembering when Steve would come home after a fight over some guy disrespecting a black woman; and when Bucky would scold him for being a dumbass for getting his face punched in for the third time in a week. Times were missed, but remembered through soft touches and hidden smiles. Time seemed to move too slow, while simultaneously being too fast to keep up with.  
It’s been hard, for both Steve and Bucky, to adapt to this new world. The first thing they bought together, after Bucky was comfortable enough to be around Steve, was an old, busted up record player. Steve’s last record player had been ruined by the Winter Soldier in his assassination attempt against Fury. But either way, they wanted to have something that meant a lot to both of them, they’ve always loved music, it was an obvious choice.  
The turntable was a bit later forties, but what they really wanted was something familiar, but new at the same time. And their dynamic now was new, and safe. They bought all of the records from their favorite people like: Harry James, Ella Fitzgerald, Frank Sinatra, and Margaret Whiting. After they got a quaint apartment in Brooklyn, the record player was the first to be moved in. Steve still had two left feet, but they shared dances and content moments with those records anyway.  
Once the house was filled with old things, new books appeared on the shelves, new movies were on the DVD and VHS rack, modern clothes were scattered in the closet, and most surprising of all, new music would be playing in the house. The last two were mostly Bucky, Steve was still an old man while Bucky seemed to enjoy the 21st century a bit more every day. Bucky took an interest in clothing, sometimes he took an androgynous approach to his style. The man loved heels and boy was Steve absolutely not complaining. Bucky also took an interest in new music. Tony had installed Bluetooth speakers in the apartment and Bucky often to advantage of it. Sometimes Steve would come home to pop, alternative, rap, or rock playing. Weirdly, Bucky Barnes really took a liking to Rihanna, Lana Del Rey, and Taylor Swift. Honestly, Steve couldn’t stand it, but he was ecstatic about Bucky finding himself. Clothes and music were always a way for Bucky to feel comfortable expressing himself; it only made sense that he uses them the same way in the new century. James Barnes was finally able to leave behind 30’s James and the Winter Soldier, to become someone that was entirely him. The old stuff would always be both Bucky’s and Steve’s; but the new stuff would always belong to Bucky. 

1942  
"Stevie, it's freezing outside! Put on this damn coat or I swear to god I will break your nose again for the ninth time in your life!"  
"I'll be fine Buck! I'm no kid!"  
"Rogers, I will force this coat on you if it's the last thing I do" Bucky lunges at Steve to cover him in one of Bucky's old coats. He catches him in a big hug as they fall on top of one another on the floor.  
They've wrestled each other since they were kids, Bucky sure knows how to make the fucking punk stay still. Steve rolls them over so he is on top, but Bucky intertwines they're legs so he has Steve in a hold. Bucky grabs each arm and puts them in the coat sleeves. He rolls them back over to where Bucky is now straddling Steve while he struggles to force the jacket buttons together. Steve's squirming and fighting causes Bucky to accidentally pop one of the buttons off. They catch each other’s eyes and burst out laughing.  
It's nice for them to laugh, the attack on Pearl Harbor was over 10 months ago; both men dreaded the eventual day Bucky would be sent off to war.  
"Stevie, you little punk! Why you gotta ruin everything huh?" Bucky mumbles in between laughs as he leans down to bury his face into the space between Steve's neck and shoulder.  
"Yeah but you know you wouldn't trade me for the world."  
"Yeah, I wouldn't," Bucky states with a content grin on his face.  
"You being sweet on me Buck?" Steve smiles, looking at Bucky with love in his eyes. "You better get off me now you jerk! You're so heavy!" he yells as he tries his best to peel Bucky off of him. Bucky flops over on his back, both men still giggling.  
“Alright Stevie you better get outta here, Mr. Hendrickson will be real mad if you don’t that sign back to ‘im today.”  
“Alright Buck, don’t do nothin’ stupid while I’m gone. You need to stop letting stray cats in our house!”  
“That’s no promise Stevie, those mangy little guys need me around. They remind me a lot of someone else I know who’s also stubborn and feisty.”  
“Wow, thanks Buck. Fine, you go find some little friends, but don’t waste any of our milk because I’m not going to hear you complain about how much our already shitty coffee sucks even more without milk in it.” Steve closes the squeaky door behind him as he leaves. Bucky’s chest gets tight thinking about the letter under their mattress, his head hurts at the thought of leaving Steve alone. It tears him up inside knowing that Steve will only try harder to enlist under his multiple fake aliases, it crushes Bucky knowing that Steve might get caught, or worse, the army takes him in. 

2014  
Steve hasn’t been able to sleep, not since the day he saw the fear and confusion in his long dead best friend’s eyes. He spends his nights in the cold December air staring up at the Washington Monument. Steve and Sam looked for Bucky for months, always two steps behind. Steve finally came to the conclusion that Bucky didn’t want to be found and Bucky would come back when he was ready; Steve had to figure out how to be okay with the possibility that his dead lover never would come back to him. But Steve knew he never would really be fine knowing Bucky would never want or remember him anymore.  
Bucky definitely knew Steve though. Every early morning, after Steve would come back to his apartment when he was done moping and finished his daily run, Steve would come back to slightly misplaced objects in his house. Some shelves would have spots were dust was cleared, as if someone – Bucky – was taking books off the shelves, or the records next to the record player would be placed in a different order from where they were left. One morning, the needle was placed on the song If You Ever Should Leave by Ella Fitzgerald. The song came out when Steve was 19, and an instant crowd pleaser with the dames should Bucky ever take one out dancin while the song was playing. For some reason, that song stuck with Bucky, he would hum it while making dinner, would sing it on the way home, would dance around to it while drunk and it just never left him. Steve knew Bucky was here and he was remembering things. He’s remembering himself.  
As weeks pass by, Steve feels as if someone is watching him, especially at his home. He doesn’t tell Sam, Sam would only lose his mind and whisper something about dumbass white people. Steve starts leaving his doors and windows unlocked, he knows Bucky can get through locked ones, but maybe purposefully unlocking entry ways will show Bucky that he is welcome. Steve wants to see Bucky so bad. Then, Steve starts noticing the same person in a hoodie and gloves around town: in cafes, in shops, near the Smithsonian, in his apartment complex, even in the government buildings Steve has to go to occasionally. Bucky feels comfortable enough to get closer, and he knows Steve isn’t completely stupid, he knows that Steve will see him; Steve feels that it’s best not to put Bucky on the spot though and end up scaring him away.  
The night was particularly freezing, Steve didn’t care as he stared at reflections in the water. Suddenly, there was a temperature change on the right side of him, it became warmer. Steve looked at the reflection in the water, it was Bucky. Steve smiled to himself, it was one not of joy, but of loss and relief. Bucky was looking up, at the stars, Steve shifted his gaze to Bucky’s face. A glint of light on Bucky’s neck caught Steve’s eye. The chain on his neck caught the moonlight, it was a chain holding both Bucky’s and his own dog tags. Steve remembered leaving them on the table earlier that night, hoping that they would mean something to Bucky, they did, and he came back.

2015  
Steve woke up to a bang and a crack. He immediately ran into Bucky’s room. They had been living in the Avengers tower together to ensure Bucky’s safety, it had only been a few short months since Bucky felt ready to come in contact with Steve again. The first few weeks Bucky was too afraid to leave his room or make any sounds, he’s still hesitant. It breaks Steve’s heart knowing Bucky isolates himself, he wants to help so badly, but he knows Bucky will come to him when he is ready. The only time Bucky gives into Steve’s comfort is when either of them have a nightmare that leaves them terrified and gasping for air.  
Steve breaks through the door to Bucky’s bedroom. He finds Bucky, knees to his chest, facing the wall, and he has his hands in front of him crumbling the drywall. Bucky was completely silent, he was petrified, staring blankly while trying to ground himself.  
“Oh Buck. Is it alright if I touch you? Do you need that?” Bucky shakes his head no. Steve respects that, he’s dealt with worse before, but this is definitely on the critical scale.  
Bucky is feeling overstimulated and desperate to ground himself. He puts both hands flat to the wall (which is now cracking), has his feet flat on the carpet, he is wearing a tight long sleeve shirt, and he has his head looking up at the ceiling. Bucky is careful not to come into contact with anything other than the wall and floor, he flinches when his hair starts falling out of its bun, and nearly screams when his fingers brush each other. He looks down at his knees and starts bawling and silently screaming, like he can’t get any sound out. Consistently having to gasp for air makes him feel like he’s choking, it isn’t fast hyperventilating, it’s more as if Bucky is unable to fill his lungs with enough oxygen. Inhaling as much as he can, but it’s still not enough.  
Bucky suddenly bolts to his feet and backs himself into the corner of the room. His hands slam into the walls behind him, cracking the drywall there as well, and his eyes frantically search around the room. Bucky knows Steve is the only one there, but he still feels as if people are crowding him, he’s unable to get far away, he’s suffocating, terrified.  
“I’m a monster” Bucky whispers as his eyes continue to sporadically bounce around the room.  
“Bucky please.”  
“No no no no no”  
Steve takes a step forward, “Bu.”  
“NO STAY BACK! I’m too dangerous,” Bucky whimpers that last sentence.  
“It doesn’t matter, you won’t hurt me.”  
“But what if I do?”  
“You won’t, I trust you. Bucky please.” Steve takes yet another step towards Bucky, then another, and another, until they are within a foot of each other. Bucky slides down onto his knees and grips Steve thigh as he rests his head on Steve’s waist and cries. Steve pats Bucky on the shoulder, signaling that he needed to move, Steve sits down and Bucky crawls up and straddles his lap. Bucky wraps his arms around Steve’s middle and shakes as Steve wraps his arms around Bucky, one under Bucky’s left arm gripping his shoulder, and the other around his lower back. Bucky looks up and into Steve’s eyes. They let go of their fears and their ghosts, one step, not much, but it said enough. 

1944  
Bucky was furious. He was seething with anger. Steve had once again gotten himself into more dangerous, dumb shit. That stupid punk never fucking learns, does he? As if looking to get his ass beat in a back alley wasn’t bad enough, he volunteered to be a fucking test guinea pig, then threw himself into a war that Bucky wanted nothing more than to protect him from. Why can’t Steve see that he is worth so much more than a nameless soldier drafted and killed in the war? Bucky knew coming to the war that he was never going to come back the same, if he came back at all, which he didn’t expect to. The only reason Bucky fought this war was because he was good at it, and maybe one day Steve would be proud of him. Now that was all thrown away because Steve, the man who loved most in the whole fucking world, decided he was going to throw his life away by wasting his efforts on Bucky. The dumb fuck went ALONE into enemy territory to attempt to take down a whole fuckin hydra base that not even a hundred men could succeed in destroying it. Even worse than that, he further risked his chances of staying alive by wandering around the base till he found Bucky.  
Bucky sat on his cot in his and Steve’s tent, head in his hands, nails digging in his scalp. He couldn’t comprehend why Steve had such blatant disregard for his own safety, risking it all for Bucky no less. He wanted to rip his own hair out due to frustration. Steve entered the tent and started talking about how Peggy and he had a fun time at the meeting as they had a laugh at the expense of Howard Stark. Honestly, Bucky just tuned out after that, he couldn’t give a damn right now. Steve shifted his gaze to Bucky after stopping in the middle of his sentence.  
“Bucky? You ok pal?”  
Bucky laughed and empty laugh, “Sure bud I’m fine. Lay off it.” He sits up straight and crosses his arms in defiance.  
“Don’t lie to me, you sure as hell don’t seem fine. I’ve known you my whole life, you can’t lie to me. I know you’re mad at me. Why?”  
“My lectures never stopped you from doing dumb shit in the first place. Why does it matter?”  
“It matters because your opinion is fucking important to me!”  
“Alright Stevie, you wanna know why I’m mad? I’ll tell you why. Maybe because your dumbass didn’t fucking listen to me when I said you were better off in Brooklyn!”  
“Buck.”  
“No don’t you ‘Buck’ me! Steve this is more than a back alley fight this is war! This is something people don’t come back from and you decide to be a martyr and dive in head first!”  
“You don’t think I know that! I have no right to be sitting on my pathetic ass in Brooklyn while men are laying down their lives! This isn’t even about me wanting to be a martyr or fighting for my country. It has to do with the fact that I wanted to be able to do something useful of myself. I have no right to do any less than the men here who sacrifice their personal safety whether they did it willingly or not. They gave something up, I should too.”  
“That still doesn’t explain why you went in BY YOURSELF to save the infantry!” Steve has a strange look onto his face. “You gonna answer me or what Stevie?”  
“Don’t you know Buck?” Steve looks down and stares at his hands, pauses, then says, “You’re my best friend.”  
“Yeah and you’re mine, I know you punk. But you didn’t have to risk your ass to save me. You should have just let me die.”  
“I fuckin had to Bucky. You don’t understand. I needed you to live. I need you to live. I would never be okay with the idea that if you had died and I didn’t do all I could do to save you.”  
“You coulda had a life Steve.”  
“I didn’t want that.” Steve moves over to sit down right next to Bucky on the cot. Bucky looks up to meet Steve’s eyes, their shoulders brush. No proof, not much. They stare into each other’s eyes, searching for an identifiable emotion. They both look down again, Steve puts his hand on Bucky’s thigh. They look at one another, and move their faces forward leading their lips to meet in the middle. It was a chaste kiss, a small brush of lips, it was enough for them, they could feel it, they could hear it in silence, they could see it in the dark. Bucky burrows his head into the crook where Steve’s neck meets his shoulder. Bucky touches his lips in various places around that area as Steve rubs soothing circles into Bucky’s thigh.  
They were in love. 

Two months later Bucky fell from the train. The day after that, Steve followed Bucky into frigid fate.

**Author's Note:**

> yo I nut for kudos and comments thank


End file.
